Customer: Are you open?
Me: No I just turn on the light to confuse people.
Customer: Can I check out hear?
Me: No you can only look at home depot, we are morally opposed to selling products.
Me: Did you find everything you needed?
Customer: No I didn't find the winning lottery ticket... bag of money... money tree...
Me: Home Depot doesn't sell cheap fantasies, Have you tried lowes?
Customer: Can I check out here at returns?
Me: Only if I get to keep everything you buy.
Customer: I couldn't find anyone to help me so I'm just going to go to lowes.
Me: Does that line ever actually work.... Do you use that line at lowes too but with home depot inserted instead of lowes?
Customer: Can I check out here so that I don't have to walk to the other end of the store?
Me: Can I walk to the other end of the store so that I don't have to check you out?
Customer: Why do you have all of your registers at the other end and all of your parking at this end?
Me: It was so customers would ask us that question over and over.
Customer: I have a complaint. Why do I have to walk all the way to the other end to check out when I need something on this end?
Me: Its because you're not supposed to need anything on this end.
Customer: I don't think I should have to walk all the way down there to check out when I parked on this end.
Me: If you give me a second I'll remodel the store for you. It should only take a few minutes.
Customer: No I don't have a receipt or the orginal box.
Me: How long have you had the product?
Customer: I don't know 6 or 7 months?
Me: I'm sorry sir we can't take that back.
Customer: You've got to be kidding?!?
Me: No I'm not. But if we ever institute the keep a product as long as you like and then return it for a full refund policy you'll be the first to know.
Customer: I can't believe you won't take this tree back without a receipt or proof or purchase! I've spent thousands of dollars at home depot over the past year and you won't take back a simple plant.
Me: If we tailored our return policy to high dollar customers, the couple thousand a year customers would be shit-out-of-luck returning anything.
Customer: I bought these zinnia's here. No I don't have a receipt or the original container. It was a dollar something... What do you mean you can't take it back?!?
Me: Yeah given that every grocery store, hardware store, and big box retail store in town sells flowers, we usually like to have some proof that you did at some point buy a flower at our store before we fork out money for a pile of dirt with a daisy sticking out of it.
Customer: When I bought these bulbs the associate in electrical tole me I could just use what I needed and bring back the rest of the box.
Me: Actually you can do that with everything in our store. Use only half of your 2 by 4 then bring it back for a 50% refund. Drink half a coke we'll give you half your money back. Use half a box of nails we'll refund the other half. Use half a gallon of paint, or half a tank of propane we'll gladly refund the other half. We call it our half-witted return policy. Just kidding.