Monday, September 12, 2005

Apparently fucking up..

I just had a WTF is wrong with everyone and everything day.
Started out good... ended with a big WTF!!!

looking over my should wondering what is wrong with me.

I feel shafted, I feel worse than shafted, I feel set-up sabotaged, and yet I know it was probably all a misunderstanding. Sure it was. Thats all it ever is. No one is ever bad except for me. No one fucks up except for me. No one lies except for me, and I'm a fucking honest person.

I left work today angry and confused and wondering (and not for the first time either) if my hr is a liar. Why? Is something wrong with the world that I look at it and see liars where kind generous people used to be. Is something wrong with me?

Apparently I fucked up. I lost the opportunity for a promotion because when my h.r. asked me if I was interested in a job that would mean a promotion and a raise and I told her that yes I was interested I wasn't clear. She told me to let her know my decision even though I was saying to her right then that I wanted the job. The problem was she wanted to know if I would be going back to school, because that would effect my availability. She also mentioned that she needed to know soon because she would be starting interviews in the next couple of weeks. I told her I hadn't decided and needed to figure out if I could afford november classes. That night I figured out that I couldn't afford to take november classes and decided to tell her that I would have a completely open availability starting in November.

The next day I talked to her for a few minutes but she wandered off and I didn't really want to talk to her about the position while I was out on the sales floor (afterall that sort of thing is supposed to be a private matter and not discussed in front of other cashiers/employees). I decided to talk to her later, but I was not able to get a break and by the time I was off she was long gone. So I figured I'd talk to her the next day I worked which was about two days later.

That day I once again couldn't get her in private, so I figured I would wait until lunch. During lunch she wasn't around, so I planned to talk to her at the end of my shift. Unfortunately I got off late because of a fellow employee arriving late, and I missed her entirely because she got off at the same time. Thus I figured I would catch her the next day before my shift (this was yesterday). So of course she was not there at all yesterday. Finally during lunch today I find her in her office (and keep in mind this is about 5 days after the initial inquiry) and tell her I will not be taking classes and ask about the position.

What do I get? "I'm sorry Rainbough but when you didn't tell me you were interested the next day I assumed you had decided to do something else and went ahead and filled the position."

This is from someone who said she'd be starting interviews in the "next couple of weeks." She just filled the position. If I had thought for a moment she needed to know the next day I would have gladly left her a note, or told her in the few minutes I got to talk to her out on the floor (though I still wonder if that would have been appropriate given the lack of privacy).

To say the least I really wanted the position, and I didn't even get a shot at it because even though I clearly stated I was interested, and indicated in our computer system that I was interested, the time to say I was interested was in a narrow window of time the day after she asked, and I had no clue.

I was even thinking at the time after I couldn't find her at the end of my shift that she probably wasn't expecting an answer that quick anyway. Now I wonder if someone is lying to me. I wonder if it was all just a ploy to make it look like she was offering me a chance at a promotion that in reality was never going to happen.

I feel stupid and humiliated because I was there that day knowing my answer and just looking for an appropriate moment, and somehow my own sense of proper time and action shot myself in the foot. And thats that. I can only presume my H.R. was lying about starting interviews in a few weeks or that she's really impulsive and when she decided I didn't want the job she immediately gave it to perhaps the only other candidate.

Well fuck me. I don't even know if I would have gotten the job, and now I doubt I will ever know. I don't even want this job anymore. I've had enough. If I didn't need it I'd be gone right here and now, but WTF difference does that make. I can't afford shit. This job is the only thing paying my bills, barely. I couldn't leave it if I wanted to and hence the WTF state I'm in.

Apparently even kind generous people can be a little WTF sometimes. My H.R. is definitely no exception.