Saturday, January 28, 2006

This is actually so sad its funny.

Yeah its about my dad again. But its actually humorous this time.

He put up this long comment on my last post trying to explain me into his neurotic worldview in which he thinks I am obsessed with him, and defined by my anger toward him. Most of its fairly inane bullshit. Its him pretending to be a psychologist. I could pick it apart but I wouldn't convince him anyhow and its not interesting enough to demonstrate for anybody else.

The funny part was when he said this: "I am guessing that my apologetic tones in my recent response to you were somewhat of a disappointment. After all, if I don’t respond in some think-headed, self-absorbed manner, then I am failing to live up to the image of me that you have managed to share with the entire world. "

He's referring to the response he put up on my father's day post. That was the post where I decide to let all my emotions go onto the page. I went on and on about how I felt and exactly precisely why I did not think my father deserved any respect from me. It was a very heartfelt post that I ended by talking about my own desire to have a father in my life.

He responded basically by saying "I demanded the respect that I knew I deserved," and then going off on a rant about how we wouldn't give it to him, and how we only wanted what he couldn't give. He finished with a little addendum on which he decided to comment on what I like to refer to as the "meanest thing anyone has ever said to me." Which I only happen to remember because he put it in writing and printed me a copy which I read many times over when I was a teenager. His comment was basically blaming my mother for his act of name calling.

Now let me explain something about my worldview. In my world if you had an estranged daughter who posted her feelings openly on the internet, and went into detail about how she felt and why she felt that way, and even mentioned a sincere desire for a father in her life, and you happened to stumble upon it - you would be fortunate.

Here would be an obvious inroad back into her life if you wanted to take it, however you would not be successful by ignoring everything she had to say and asserting the exact opposite. Even if you disagreed with her reasons for why she thought you didn't deserve her respect, if you ignored her reasons and feelings on the subject and just insisted that you did deserve it, and that you appropriately demanded it. That would come off as kind of... what's the term I'm looking for... Oh I know "Thick headed and self-absorbed."

In my world "apologetic" usually involves an apology of some sort. Now if she happened to mention something you said that hurt her feelings in the past, right then in there, if you remember saying it you could easily take responsibility for that and apologize. Something: like "you know what, I'm sorry. it was wrong of me to say that," or "I didn't mean that," or "calling you an infestation in my castly might have been a little extreme. I'm sorry," would have been apologetic. On the other hand if you decided to blame your ex-wife and mother of that child, whom was not around at the time, for giving you the idea, for the name that was called... I wouldn't call that apologetic.

I would say you had an inability to take responsibility for your own words, and decided to evade that responsibility in a very mean-spirited and tactless way. If I didn't know the person I would have to assume that upon saying that they had no interest in mending fences with that daughter, if they did I would say that they were stupid... of course thick-headed and self-absorbed works too.

Now I realize his most recent response was just an attempt to prove that he really isn't as simplistic and stupid as I made him out to be, and as is typical claims he's doing it because I would be "hurt" if he didn't respond. Given how much I've written about him on this blog long before he happened to discover it this is kind of ironic. I never could have been as open in my writing about my relationship with him as I have been if I had thought he was waiting around to say stupid defensive bullshit in response to my feelings.

But alas I've come to realize that I've shed way too many tears over someone who was never worth it. Complete strangers have been able to see and feel the genuine sadness and frustration I've expressed in my posts about my father, but all he can see in them is unwarranted anger that obviously has nothing to do with him, and that he can't be blamed for. There is nothing left between us. No way to build bridges, no place to start mending anything. Yet I count myself fortunate. I can honestly say that I don't need a father anymore, and I am content to live without one.