Hello 2007

Yea! Blog redo...

Sometimes I think I am dirty. Not like in some sort of sexual way, I mean like I feel like I am tainted. I feel like my past defines me so much that I cannot escape from it. I look at myself and my siblings and I think can't I do better than this? Shouldn't I be doing better than this.

I feel underutilized. Like I am somehow this big underachiever. I left uga because I realized that the only reason I was in college was because I was afraid of what I would be if I did not get a college degree. Meanwhile I knew plenty of people who had gotten there 4 year graduated and worked in pizza delivery or magazine sales or something that really did not require a degree to get into.

It all started seeming like a big scam. Still I realize that I want greater things for my life than just massage therapy and mother (eventually). Yet I am having trouble really nailing down what those things are much less how I am supposed to achieve them.

I am frustrated with my own level of patience. I have been exploring writing sci-fi for several years now and I feel as though I have made considerable progress in that realm. However I have finished very few stories.

I start. I stop. I don't generally get to an end before losing patience with the idea. I feel like I have the discipline of a gnat. That is partially where the "dirty" comes in.

A part of my brain still functions with the skills and habits I learned growing up in a very dysfunctional home. These skills include a certain amount of escapism, a short attention span, little patience, limited awareness of my environment, and once again a lack of discipline.

When I run into that frustration I feel like some kind of inbred mongrel. This is where I ask myself pointedly do I accept and embrace what I am or do I try and change. Do I attempt to become something better. Or am I in fact being too hard on myself.